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How to categorize this book? Is it an etiquette manual à la Knigge [Miss Manners], a collection of social critical essays, or is it an amusing volume of short stories? How seriously should we take what we are reading, is the author’s intent to amuse us, to teach us, or both? In The Art of Parting Gently with Female Admirers, the author and journalist Adam Soboczynski presents us with a multifaceted, though not easily graspable book. It defies not only classification within the traditional genres of nonfiction or fiction, but also irritates by fluctuating constantly between being ironic and in earnest.
While the form may elude us, the content is nothing short of distinctive, the subtitle: "the art of dissimulation" - says everything. It revolves around the question, "How to be shrewd in a world where danger and intrigue are lurking everywhere." Indeed, according to Soboczynski, conditions today are much like those in the courts of the 16th and 17th century, when being on the way up and on the way down progresses seamlessly, when neither ancestry nor education can guarantee a career or prosperity, at a time when we have to cope with tougher competition and inscrutable power relations. Whoever wishes to attain their goals, whoever wants lasting success, according to Soboczynski’s premise, must constantly play a role, must dissimulate and—this seems essential—must always be in control of their emotions.
Soboczynski’s list of basic rules for successful interpersonal conduct seems provocative - allows us to see that common sense virtues such as truthfulness and sincerity are desirable. In reality, however, he shows us they are not at all feasible because of a crack "that has been inside us since we stepped foot in the world." The consequence of this crack, even if we want to be authentic, has at best one outcome: "We are never ourselves, creation, since we suffered the Fall, is nothing but pure world theater."
Soboczynski is not the first to have formulated such a thought. Even in his proclamation for the art of dissimulation, he knows he belongs within a long tradition. Thus, it is no coincidence that he places a quote from Baltasar Gracian, the “forefather of the high art of dissimulation,” in the beginning: “And art perfects what nature started,” thus creating a connection to behavior manuals of the 16th and 17th century to Machiavelli, Castiglione and La Rochefoucauld. And just like his famous predecessor, he also doesn’t wish to “boost people’s morals but to show them how to don their masks; not to improve them (...), but to teach them how to cleverly box."
So far so good - but how does he communicate the art of dissimulation to us? Soboczynski chooses a particularly entertaining form for this purpose. He tells thirty-three stories from the world of work and love, which "happened that way, or at least similarly.” Titles such as Give the Impression of Authenticity, Look Interested, Leave the Party at the Right Moment, or Look Interested reveal what skills are meant here. The protagonists of the stories come almost exclusively from the world of culture. Stephan Karst starts as a promising architect, David Schweidkert has some success as a painter of oxen, Angelika struggles as a photographer, and Kirsten organizes jazz concerts. With these and similar such characters, we’re offered familiar everyday situations along with commentary, and, as Gracian did in the past, provided with the appropriate maxims for successful dissimulation.
We learn through his words to the wise things like: during an interview never appear perfect. In negotiations, one must always pretend to compromise: "Every negotiation must leave the impression that you have met halfway between your conflicting interests." One absolutely has to know how to take it on the chin: "Because the seed for victory lies within defeat, if we allow it to mature.” Now and then make out that you’re hurt, that may be very helpful: “you should always live as though you can present others with an overdue bill, having debtors around makes you powerful.” No less, however, do you need to know how to dish it out:" Everyone has a vulnerable spot, locating it is a sign of skill.” The supreme rule of a good dissimulation artist is the ability to hide one’s passions, because "keeping a cool head makes one wise."
In the chapter The People We Have to Watch Out For, we discover it is the outsiders, or social climbers, who can be particularly dangerous for our game of dissimulation: "Because they have the advantage of seeing society from the outside, because they haven’t blindly grown up in it. They can see through the nuances of behavior far better than those who never have lived any other way.” By the way, in this context, the author insistently alludes to himself. He knows the audience who has read his successful reportage: Polski Tango, where he relates his experiences as a Pole in Germany and as a German in Poland.
It is impossible to escape the underlying humor of this ingenious book. The case studies of human behavior are so accurately and humorously portrayed that the reader often feels caught. The mannered language is striking and his descriptions of the contemporary artistic and intellectual milieu adds to the shimmering irony of Sobocsynskis' etiquette book: The narrator, who guides us through the stories isn’t merely all-knowing and humorous, but he also employs strangely antiquated language to comment on the behavior of a very modern world. Although this obviously is not a how-to book in the classical sense, the observations are still remarkably noteworthy and the suggestions for conduct surprisingly plausible. A kind of “reading-destabilization" occurs from this balancing act, and accounts for the special charm of Soboczynskis "collection of stories.”
Looking at the book in its entirety, one sees how skillfully the individual stories have been constructed. Together they form not only a kaleidoscope of contemporary life and work, but also the composition of the book itself offers an example for practicing dissimulation. As much as much of it appears to be arbitrary at first glance - the recurring image of the oxen, the café where the protagonists of different stories run into each other, the same text of a text message, sent by different people - in fact, shows just how precisely everything is planned and composed. When read closely, we ultimately realize everything is connected. Not only do places and people appear and reappear, but also the same events are described—each from a different perspective.
In this work, Soboczynski has created a mini-artwork which should not be missed.
Anne Nordmann
May 2009
[Translated by Zaia Alexander]
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